Santa vs. Jesus

This is not about a prize fight between two mythical entities. More like a comparison. Let’s start with similarities:

Similarities

  • He sports a beard. For that matter, he’s a he.
  • His existence is taken on faith, no one has ever seen him, though there are numerous impostors who roam the world claiming to be him.
  • He performs miracles, i.e. fantastic feats of supernatural legerdemain, such as flying around the world in a sled pulled by magical reindeer, walking on water, squeezing down chimneys that don’t exist, and instantaneously transforming H2O into vino.
  • He promises rewards for good behavior, such as presents left under a tree, or eternal life.
  • He has a large contingent of followers who work for him without compensation, and are at his every beck and call, like elves, apostles and disciples.
  • He has five letters in his first name. His last name begins with a “C”.
  • He is omniscient; he knows if you’ve been bad or good even if you hide it or only think it.
  • He receives messages from his believers through intermediaries, such as the aforementioned impostors, saints, priests, etc.
  • He was based on an actual historical figure, according to his believers (though not historians).
  • He encourages rituals to be performed by his believers, such as attending church services, hanging stockings from the chimney, praying, and leaving milk and cookies.
  • He inspires the creation of popular literature.
  • He requires believers to be lied to consistently to maintain belief.
  • He is not believed in by most intelligent adults.

Dissimilarities

  • There are none.

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19 thoughts on “Santa vs. Jesus

  1. There are several dissimilarities here!

    How many ominously huge statues of Santa are there? I’m betting not nearly as many as there are of Christ.

  2. Dissimilarities
    • We never hear anything about Santa’s dad.
    • Santa never abused animals (although making reindeer pull his fat ass around is arguably abusive).
    • There’s good reason to believe Santa is straight since he has a wife, but Jesus was a bachelor who apparently spent his entire adult life, 24/7, with a group of guys.
    • AfaIk no Santa statue was ever struck by lightning.
    • You’ll probably never see ‘The Santa Diet’, however…

  3. More Dissimilarities:

    * Santa likes reindeer; Jesus likes donkeys.
    * Santa likes snow; Jesus likes sand
    * Santa wears a cool cap; Jesus doesn’t wear headgear
    * Santa got sex in the approved manner – he got married; if Jesus got sex, he fornicated – perhaps with some of the guys, perhaps with Mary Magdalene
    * Santa is more forgiving than Jesus – a bag of coal this year doesn’t condemn one to coal for the rest of one’s life; with Jesus – once in hell, always in hell.

    • “Santa wears a cool cap”

      I need you to talk to my daughter. I keep telling her I look cool when I wear that thing in December. She hasn’t bought my story in at least 15 years!

  4. One more similarity:
    When a woman turns to her husband and says “It looks like rain, dear,” either Jesus or Santa could be working his magic. Of course, in Santa’s case it would have to be spelled differently.

  5. “Santa is more forgiving than Jesus – a bag of coal this year doesn’t condemn one to coal for the rest of one’s life; with Jesus – once in hell, always in hell.”

    Spoken like a true pagan. As usual, the theology is all fucked up… along with pretty much everything else, including the personality.

    Sometimes, I’m tempted to think that (for some, anyway) eternal torment wouldn’t be such a bad thing, given the filthy and disrespectful words certain ingrates spew out of their pie-holes about things they know absolutely zilch about.

    A bible in the hands of an infidel is like a loaded .38 in a toddler’s hands. The outcome is usually the same.

    • Kind of makes you wonder why a supposedly caring and all-knowing god would have his book be so potentially dangerous as “a loaded .38 in a toddler’s hands.”

  6. A bible in the hands of an infidel is like a loaded .38 in a toddler’s hands. The outcome is usually the same.

    So. Let’s do a comparison. The Bible in the hands of a True Believer™ causes that True Believer™ to allow his daughter to die of a curable disease. Do you think someone should not be tormented in hell for eternity for that, but they should be for “spewing filthy and disrespectful words”?

  7. “Kind of makes you wonder why a supposedly caring and all-knowing god… yada, yada, yada…”

    Here we go again. You guys just won’t take ownership for anything, will you? It’s God’s and everyone else’s faults, not yours. Fact is, the very reason we’re conversing here, today, is because some nitwit has taken God’s Word and screwed it up. Just like a gun in a kid’s or criminal’s hands, an otherwise benign tool becomes an instrument for destruction. Infidels take scripture and twist it to suit their purpose and agenda, not caring for accurate context.

    Yeah, I guess God should just stand back and let you screw up your life, Philly. He gives you the freedom to do that, or haven’t you noticed that no one is forcing you to go to church or worship Him, etc.?

    John, my God allows me to do whatever it takes within human power to save my daughter’s life, even take yours, if you’re the one threatening it. Again, we have a very narrow definition of what constitutes grace in this reality. If after every human attempt fails, then, as you infidels love to say, that’s life in all of it’s shittiness. The fact is, God doesn’t always intervene, just like parents don’t always intervene when their kids are growing up… if they’re not spoiling their kids, that is. Christians are told from day one that this world is the result of human rebellion and is a temporary estate. The world TO COME is the one we should focus on, and attempt to convince other ingrates to do the same, hopeless as that is with some I won’t mention.

    And, I did say that I’m sometimes TEMPTED to think that way. Fact is, I wouldn’t wish that fate on anyone, no matter what the pagan-influenced, pseudo-Christian types preach.

    • “The fact is, God doesn’t always intervene, just like parents don’t always intervene when their kids are growing up… if they’re not spoiling their kids, that is.”

      I know, right? I don’t get why atheists can’t understand that. Why, just last week my kid was mouthing off to me, so I threw him in a fire forever. Serves him right for being disobedient, he’ll never try that again! It was hard to ignore the screams and tortured pleading at first, but you get used to it.

      “The world TO COME is the one we should focus on, and attempt to convince other ingrates to do the same, hopeless as that is with some I won’t mention.”

      Ooooooh, I remember, the one we can’t see and that the only indication that it exists is the eventually-transcribed words of a bunch of illiterate goat-herders from 2000+ years ago! Silly me, all that rigorous science and empirical observation can’t stand up to wishful thinking and a really old book! Sign me up!

    • Here we go again.

      Yea, I keep getting that same sense of deja vu every time you comment Giddy. Let me tell you about it.

      I post, or someone comments, about a ridiculous, nonsensical, delusional, or just-plain-stupid action on the part of a professed Christian. Like that couple that let their daughter die from untreated diabetes.

      Then you come on an claim that person who said he was a Christian is not a True Christian™. You then claim, at least impliedly, that you, and only you, are a True Christian™. When asked, you refuse to tell us exactly what your theology is, so we can figure out why only you are a True Christian™, and all those others who claim to be Christians are in fact, False Christians™.

      Do you see a pattern beginning to emerge here?

  8. John, you know what my theology is, as I’ve argued with you guys for months about what I believe. I’ve told you that I believe in God’s Word as the final authority… how many times and ways do I have to state it?

    I know there are many different interpretations of God’s Word out there. Nevertheless, logically, there can only be one overall interpretation. In a nutshell, taking all of the Bible’s verses and reading them in a contextual way… i.e., letting them interpret themselves, without any personal bias interfering, is the way that I do it. I also have some formal religious training, along with my secular education. I am a student of history, too, just like anyone else raised in a secular home and educated primarily in a secular institution.

    My official denominational credits aren’t important. I believe that God is able to work with anyone serious about learning truth. I have learned from many in other denominations, even from infidels, etc. These, I compare with scripture. If it agrees with the Word, I accept it.

    I agree there are many that proclaim their interpretation of the Word of God and believe that they are a Christian. You think I am just another of those. While I admit that I don’t know everything there is to know about the Bible, you obviously haven’t noticed that I critique those things that seem to irk infidels the most – like the eternal hellfire thing. While I believe that many infidels merely whine and complain because their preferred lifestyle comes under criticism, I also try and dispell some common miscomprehensions about Christianity. Eternal hellfire is not only an established pagan belief that was inserted into Catholicism around the Fourth Century by overzealous new converts, it is also incompatible with a contextual analysis of the Bible. The Bible preaches death, right from the get-go, for anyone that defies or spurns the offer of salvation… not out of animosity or revenge, but simply as a consequence of defying the reality that life apart from God’s sustaining power is impossible in His universe.

    • Ever notice how many of Gideon’s posts, where he starts talking his theology, sound like really bad sci-fi/fantasy novels?

  9. You guys just won’t take ownership for anything, will you?

    Actually, it’s believers like you who won’t. I know it’s hard for an idiot like you, but try and think it through. Your god is supposed to be all knowing, correct? That means before he allegedly created everything, he knew everything that would happen; the Fall, the “nitwits” who would take his words and screw them up, the non-believers, everything.

    To use your analogy, he created a bunch of toddlers with the intent of handing them loaded .38s to see if they’ll survive, only he already knew most wouldn’t.

    That’s fucked up, but I guess you could amend that god definition of yours to scratch off all good, or perhaps all knowing, and that’s the Christian solution to the problem of evil. Even “great” thinkers like Plantinga uses this cheat, because Christians refuse to take ownership for the god they claim they follow.

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