Modern Biblical Law

Recently, Salin Palin, noted Constitutional scholar, opined on the state of the law on The O’Reilly Factor. When asked to compare America today with America in 1776, she read off her palm:

Well, that new kind of world view that I think is kind of a step towards a fundamental transformation of America that some want to see today, I think, again, that it is an attempt to revisit and rewrite history. (entire sentence, sic) I think we should kind of keep this clean, keep it simple, go back to what our founders and our founding documents meant. They’re quite clear that we would create law based on the God of the Bible and the 10 Commandments. It’s pretty simple.

That’s brilliant! Clean and simple! Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before?

So, I thought I’d use my knowledge of law, limited as it is compared to hers, and try to get our country back on track by drafting some legislation  based on the “God of the Bible and the 10 Commandments”, just to show everyone how simple and fair it could be. There are literally thousands of laws that could be revamped, or completely thrown out, by the application of a no-nonsense, Judeo-Christian mindset to all those statutes and court decisions (like Roe v. Wade) that take up so much space in our law libraries, not to mention creating so much work for prosecutors, defense attorneys and law clerks.  While this post won’t even put a dent in the problem, a few humble examples might be illustrative, and move us that much closer to the Christian nation ol’ Tom, George and Ben envisioned.

This first one has needed to be written ever since Telly Savalas did Kojak:

The Bald Man’s Self Esteem Protection Act 1

  1. Henceforth no male suffering from male pattern baldness, or receding hairline syndrome, shall be subject to ridicule, derision or harassment by any child under the age of 18, on account of such affliction.
  2. Any child accused shall be tried as an adult, and, if it is a first offense, shall have committed a felony of the second degree.
  3. Any child found guilty shall be coated with honey and placed in a bear cage inhabited by at least two malnourished bears for a period of no less than 24 hours, or until dead, whichever shall first occur.

They could set up a special execution chamber at the local zoo. Next to the picnic grounds.

The next one kind of says it all, and forms the basis for almost all of the other laws:

The One and Only God Act 2

  1. There is only one god.
  2. His name is Yahweh.
  3. Everyone shall worship Yahweh.
  4. Only Yahweh knows what is good and what is bad.
  5. Refer to the Bible if you are confused about what is good and what is bad.
  6. Anyone (a) caught doing bad according to Yahweh’s definitions or (b) worshiping another god other than Yahweh, upon the testimony of three witnesses (not one), shall be guilty of a felony of the 1st degree.
  7. All persons found guilty shall be stoned to death by a crowd of the defendant’s peers.
  8. The three witness get to go first.

It’s only fair that he who has to testify gets to throw the first three stones.  Otherwise, why bother getting involved? There’s got to be some incentive to blab on your neighbor.

This next one highlights one of the most ignored of the Ten Commandments:

The Protection of Parental Honor Act 3

  1. Both parents shall be held in the highest esteem by their children.
  2. Should either or both parents be cursed, or subjected to foul or profane language directed to them by their child(ren), such child(ren) shall be guilty of a felony of the 1st degree.
  3. All children found guilty shall be put to death, in a manner of the parents choosing (not to include cleaning their rooms).
  4. Prior physical, verbal or mental abuse of the child(ren) by either or both parents shall not be a defense to an indictment brought under this act.

As a parent, I’m in favor of that one, though cleaning their rooms would be sufficient for their mother and me.

The next one, while admittedly hard to enforce (not to mention pronounce), has needed to be on the books for quite some time:

The Covetousness Omnibus Act 4

  1. Coveting of anything (except as set forth in paragraph 3 herein)  is hereby declared illegal.
  2. Coveting the wife of a neighbor, or the estate of one’s neighbor, his or her farm animals, his French maid or her cabana boy shall not be tolerated in a fair and just Judeo-Christian society.
  3. This act shall not apply to the coveting of the husband of a neighbor.
  4. Violation of paragraph 1  shall be a felony of the 2nd degree.
  5. Violation of paragraph 2  shall be a felony of the 1st degree.
  6. Punishment shall be in accordance with the One and Only God Act, paragraph 7.

There’s a decent argument that this law might be anti-capitalistic, since envy tends to drive the purchasing decisions of most consumers, but God’s Law is god’s law, so who am I to object?

I think I’ve made a good start. All we need is a few more Constitutional attorneys to firm things up. (Obama, are you listening?) Perhaps my readers (both of you) can suggest a few? Maybe, with a little effort and a prayer or two, we’ll get the entire body of U.S. laws into one book.

We’ll just have to think of a catchy title for it.

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12 thoughts on “Modern Biblical Law

  1. Spanqi –

    You’re beginning to sound like Sarah Palin’s mind. Just seeing her picture and quote was enough to create such intersynaptic nausea that I had to lie down for half an hour and sleep it off. The woman is a complete idiot. How is it that she has not been run over by a bus or been eaten by seals? Why was she ever allowed to breed with a human? What does it say about humans that thousands of them willingly fork over outrageous amounts of money to listen to this idiot spout stupidities an intelligent second grader could see through? If she bred with Tony Hayward, what would result?

    Palin delenda est. Soon. Preferably by wolves. In winter. With Hayward.

  2. I take that back about the second graders. They would no more be able to parse her tortured syntax than a philological, linguistic genius. Besides, it should be illegal to expose second graders to Palin Linguistic Porn.

  3. Since no one actually reads the Christian bible (reading select quotes over and over doesn’t count) or even knows what the commandments are (or that there are more than one set), it might be enlightening for some of these yahoos to see just exactly what it is they’d be getting if their wishes were enacted.

    I did say might.

  4. Sarah would probably have been stoned to death for not knowing her place in TC society: that would be in the kitchen with her mouth shut and her legs open.

  5. Sexual Fantasy Amendment to the Covetousness Omnibus Bill:

    1. It is expressly forbidden to covet thy neighbor’s ass. However, coveting thy neighbor’s boobs, legs, navel, camel toe or any other part of they neighbor’s person is hereby exempted from the regulations in this act unless thou art of the same sex as thy neighbor, in which case the general ban on covetousness shall continue to apply.

  6. It is expressly forbidden to covet thy neighbor’s ass

    You’re not talking about the neighbor’s mule (a/k/a donkey), are you? Because I think I have that covered under the farm animals provision.

  7. This thread made my day. Are farm animals, beside the ass’es, in the commandments? Do they include the unicorns?

    Never could convince my xtian family that there were 100’s of other commandments in bible, and not all bibles listed the same. It’s hard if not impossible to break through the indoctrination from childhood. How I broke out at age 10 is miraculous…er..opps nevermind.

  8. You really should not have posted such a flattering picture of Sarah, SI. Of course, I’m sort of partial to the ones of the handwritten notes on her hand:

    It’s hilarious that she couldn’t make a simple list of five items without having to cross out and correct something. Her arms and legs must be a mess when she does her weekly grocery shopping.

  9. It’s hilarious that she couldn’t make a simple list of five items without having to cross out and correct something.

    Sarah’s response: Any opportunity to draw the cross is OK for us hard-working Americans, you betcha.

  10. Pingback: Carnival of the Godless #143 « The Incredible Blog of His Eminence, the Most-High Reverend Atheist

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