I was trying to think of a good way to celebrate Blasphemy Day.
My first thought was to throw up the sash, stick my head out the window, and yell, at the top of my lungs, “Suck it, Jesus” a la Kathy Griffin. But I realized that my closest neighbor is about a hundred yards away, and I know he’s not home today, (because he moved out about a year ago and no one else has moved in) so who’s going to hear me? Jesus? He doesn’t exist. So what would be the point?
So I tried to think of something with more spread-ability, something that would reach more people, something really obnoxious. It came to me that one of the most irritating things I have to put up with in the secular world (besides Gideon) is automated phone spam. You know, where you jump out of the shower dripping wet, a towel wrapped around your nether regions, to answer the phone, and you get two seconds of silence after you say “hello”, before a machine kicks in with a message like “Wonder Bank has a great new service to help you refinance your mortgage”, or some other sales pitch for something you clearly don’t need. So I thought it’d be great to come up with an automatic phone message that went something like this:
“Hello. This is Ima Atheist, with a special message for you. Do you have a Bible? If so, go get it. I’ll wait….Got it? OK, now turn to Leviticus 19:12 where it says
Do not swear falsely by my name and so profane the name of your God. I am the LORD.
Jesus Christ on a Stick! How could anyone buy that claptrap? What a load of bullshit, etc….”
Well, you get my drift. A few hundred thousand of those calls, and I could chalk up the day as a major contribution to personal blasphemy. But in looking into the matter a little more closely, I discovered that this would actually cause me to spend money, a substantial amount too, for the equipment and technology to do this, not to mention the phone fees, licensing, attorneys fees, etc. Sorry, but I like to blaspheme with the best of them, but I’m not spending any of my hard earned atheist cash on it. There’s gotta be a cheaper way.
So I needed something that could reach a lot of people in one fell swoop, that was free, and easy to use. What could I do? What could I do? And then it hit me!
I’ve been doing it all along for the last two years. This blog. The post below, the avatar over there in my widget column, the liberal use of profanity directed at religion, I already had everything I needed to celebrate Blasphemy Day.
So, Happy Blasphemy Day! And don’t forget: Leviticus 24:16!