The Top Five

WordPress has a nifty little feature I just discovered. It lists the top search terms that were used to find my site, not only by day, week, month, quarter and year, but for all time. For all time! Can you imagine?

Now, of course, my blog has been around for only a short time, so the term, for all time, when applied to my blog, only means about 14 months. But those were significant months, by my standards, and my standards are what counts. I’m getting close to a hundred thousand views, so it’s interesting to find this little feature that tells me exactly what motivates people to view this blog. I thought for starters I’d list the top five:

heaven 7,222
snow 3,673
hell 3,258
sexual positions 2,244
sex positions 2,121

Would you expect that the top five search terms on an atheist site involve those words? Heaven and Hell maybe, but sexual positions and sex positions? And snow? What’s with the snow?

But beyond that, exactly why would someone who was looking for heaven, use a search engine to find it? Or snow, for that matter? I can see Googling sexual positions, especially if you find that the trusty old missionary position just isn’t marinating your love life like it used to, and you happen to have a computer in your bedroom.

Let’s analyze these statistics a little more closely:

First, look at the leader: Heaven. Someone typed that word into Google, and found me, almost twice as many times as they typed the runner up, snow. Perhaps that’s because snow is somewhat seasonal (at least in the more temperate climes) whereas Heaven is fairly static. People might think of heaven on a regular, year round basis, whereas snow might not pop into their minds unless the weather is bad (or good, depending on one’s point of view. Especially if you are an Eskimo who, I hear, has multiple words for snow).

But wait, maybe snow isn’t second! If you add the last two, sex positions and sexual positions, on the theory that they are really the same thing, then sex(ual) positions jumps to # 2. Which sort of makes more sense, because, ask yourself, what’s on everyone’s minds more than sex? Well, in this case, obviously it’s Heaven. However, my theory is that heaven is what people are thinking of when they are experiencing orgasms, and hell is another word for bad sex, so actually, it looks like there are a lot of people with only one thing on their minds.

Or perhaps that’s just me.

So apparently there are a lot of people reading my blog (did I mention that this was an atheist blog?) who are in the throes of a hormonal backlash, or there must be something on the blog that attracts the search engines to inquiries involving heaven and hell, snow and sex(ual) positions. I’d love to believe that it’s the former, but I’m resigned to the fact that it’s the latter.

What’s really disheartening is that tied for last is this term:


I wonder what I’m doing wrong?

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10 thoughts on “The Top Five

  1. Now at least I have a surefire way of finding your blog when I can’t remember the URL – I just stick “heaven hell snow sex positions” into Google, and there you are. Handy for when I’m away from home.

  2. I wonder what I’m doing wrong?

    Not posting enough nudes? I’m just positing…

  3. I had one search that said ‘girl has sex with lion’.

    And where was I? I don’t remember that. Maybe she drugged me, ya think? I miss all the fun, dammit.

  4. heaven is what people are thinking of when they are experiencing orgasms

    Do people actually think during orgasms? Who knew?

  5. Most of my search hits have been for my coverage of Expelled: the really interesting ones are the stuff that’s a little less commong.

    104 people have come to my site searching for “naughty nuns” and have been sorely disappointed (a story about excommunication). 94 people have decided that I’m a worthy click for information on “virgin sex” (a story about surgical virginity “restorations”)

    Do I love seeing the totally random, one off stuff that brings folks to me though. The best are the questions.

    Hopefully everyone’s seen these: somethingawful’s compilation of the accidentally leaked AOL search logs. There are three mindblowingly nutty editions, but I could only be bothered to track down and link to the one.

  6. I thought I remembered some lengthy post you did once about the snow… or maybe it was just that you had that “snow fall” graphic running on your blog last winter. I’d like to get one of those snow jobs that Ex mentioned. Philly rules.

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